May We Always Love
by WonderousPlaceForAnEcho
Summary: Set post college. Beca & Chloe meet again. Occurs post 1 shot Needed or Wanted. Can be taken on its own. Some cursing. Its moody, I'll be honest about that. Only 2 chapters. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Thank you for reading. The title was oddly the most difficult thing to come up with. Since I like to make toasts and tweeted hopefully I will always love books that reference other books...may we always love...came from that. This was based on a dream I had, which got changed to suit Bechloe. It can also be viewed as the sequel to Needed or Wanted (which I would prefer any reader to do) but can be viewed as a 2 chapter story. If anyone is interested my twitter is PlaceForAnEcho.

* * *

"I'll just book a hotel or an airbnb if they're part of the twenty first century. There's civilization around here..somewhere..." She said into the phone as she slammed her trunk shut.

"Beca you chose a random, middle of nowhere location for your vacation. You might as well have gone camping."

"I don't camp," she cut him off. "And I can't change the tire because there isn't a spare. Jesse...why doesn't your car have a spare tire?"

"Because I have roadside assistance." He said easily. "Glove box."

The brunette sighed, patience was not her strong suit, they both knew. "My phone is about to die." She said after she looked at the screen.

"It'll be okay." He said as she dug through the front compartment.

"You spoke too soon asshole," she had officially hit her limit. "Your triple a expired two months ago."

"Its still okay. I'll make a call and you'll be back on the road soon. Hang tight and-" then he cut off.

"Seriously Jesse. Fucking hang tight." Beca said to no one as she tossed her phone on the passenger seat. Now she was forced to either pace or sit and listen to music. Naturally she chose music.

A half hour later she didn't hear a car pull up behind her.

 _Fuck!_ She mentally screamed when someone tapped on her window. It was fall, she didn't feel like pacing in the chilled air and didn't recall penciling in a heart attack first day or her vacation. The whole point was to get away, detach from everything, and focus on music. That plan was just shot to hell, reincarnated and then stabbed a couple more times as Chloe looked down at her. Immediately she turned off the music.

 _What the hell...What the freaking hell. Really. What the fucking fuck is going on?_

She watched as Chloe nonchalantly told her to roll down the window. For the second Beca debated. She had spent years constructing an emotional barrier between her and Chloe, at the moment a physical one seemed like reinforcement. The option to stay in her car with a dead phone on a more or less deserted road didn't win out over logic...sadly.

Half the window was rolled down and somehow she managed to feel the air around her had been taken.

"Aubrey called." Chloe offered after a long pause. She waited, gave Beca the option to absorb what was happening. That after years of not talking they managed to meet in the middle of practically nowhere. Beca looked back with confliction, a wave of resentment which passed in a second and settled on confusion.

"I have a cottage twenty minutes out." She said gently as though her soft tone would mollify their past and ease it into irrelevancy.

"Can I borrow your phone?" Beca tried to sound robotic but heard her anger slip out. She almost cringed but thought _who the fuck cares, I'm not an actress, I'm freaking pissed. What the absolute fuck._ By the time her thoughts completed Chloe had taken her phone from her back pocket and held it out.

Beca took it, purposefully avoided touching Chloe in any way and rolled the window back up. With a few breaths she tried to calm down as she turned her music back on. Luckily Iron and Wine came through. After a swipe she groaned and stopped to glare at the enter password prompt, completely ignoring Chloe in the process, who from out of the corner of her eye had taken a step away and had her back turned. The brunette didn't want to roll down the window again and ask another question and have any sort of conversation with Chloe. Instead she typed in what used to be Chloe's password, drawing it from memory like a high school locker combination. Only this was the date they became official. Then she really glared at the phone when it worked and allowed her access. Quickly she scrolled through the contacts, didn't find Jesse but Aubrey was in. Without thinking she hit the icon to call.

"That was quick. You're alive? She didn't verbally accost you?" Aubrey said in that annoying, caring tone that was rare and reserved for Chloe or anyone in her small group she felt loyal to

"She's fine," Beca seethed. "Put Jesse on." She demanded in her business tone that she had hoped she wouldn't have been forced to use on vacation.

"Beca.." The blonde tried.

"Put. Jesse. On." She didn't allow herself to add so help me god because she really wanted the call to be short.

"...hi Becaaaw," he tried to joke.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She yelled.

"Okay. So Chloe lives nearby and she can have one of the local guys change the tire out tomorrow cause they're closed, cause you chose a small town to go through," he said quickly.

"You're making this into my fault?" She asked and pinched the bridge of her nose because the tension headache officially made itself home.

"It was the only option Becs, she lives close by." Jesse said casually.

"Why does she live in the freaking country? She always liked cities," she said more so to her memory of Chloe than her college friend.

"You can ask her that and get off the phone or I'll give Aubrey back her phone," Jesse pushed, knowing Beca enjoyed talking to the blonde as much as she enjoyed going to the dentist and in fact talked to Aubrey so infrequently referred to it as her yearly check up of checking in.

With ease and without remorse she ended the call. Without turning her head she rolled down the window and focused on the steering wheel, the dashboard, the road, anything in front of her.

Castle by Halsey was playing lightly through the speakers but she could hear every word. Somehow it seemed fitting.

"It should only take a day."

"An entire twenty-four hours with you?" Beca asked bitterly and gripped the steering wheel, annoyed that she hadn't contained her anger. Years ago she had played scenarios of what she would say to Chloe if they met. Something sincere, something nice, and something not this. Because she never wanted to be mean. Or cruel. Or harsh, but she hated when she felt out of control.

"I'll try to make it less for you." Chloe said with consideration, having quickly picked up on Beca's attitude and took a step back. With a twist of her wrist the brunette took the keys out, refocused on minute details of the handle, the ground, where to step to create space between herself and Chloe as she got out. More than anything she tried to avoid looking at her.

She'll still be gorgeous.

"We don't have to..." Beca was already putting her headphones on and barely heard the word talk as she already made her way to the car behind hers. Again she opened the trunk and pulled out her antique travel bag. Quickly she shut it. _The sooner this is done I'm out._

It was abundantly clear in the hard actions that Beca wanted it all over with.

To Chloe the act said enough but Beca skipped to the next track as Bon Iver's I Can't Make You Love Me started to play. Paramore doing an acoustic version of Misery Business worked better. She wasn't about to lay down her heart. A song inspiring her to do so was emotional suicide but she felt Chloe looking at her. It was a chose she kept looking out the window.

"Is there a hotel in town?" She asked having turned down her volume, cursing her phone for dying and not being able to look it up herself. She was two hours away from her destination and didn't exactly memorize emergency options.

"No. I have a guest room." Chloe stated factually and finally Beca looked at her for longer than a second.

 _Gorgeous. Tired. Beautiful._ She watched Chloe open her mouth and close it again.

 _It didn't take her long to get here. So she maybe wasn't busy._ Again she subtly turned down her volume and watched Chloe raise her own on the dial. Taylor Swift's over fifteen year old song Everything Has Changed was coming through and Chloe tiled her head, leaned against the window and looked reserved and... _exhausted_ Beca thought but turned away to avoid anymore observations that would garner sympathy. It wasn't part of her duty or unwritten rules of friendship that she had to care for Chloe anymore. That applied if there was a friendship. Silence was easier. And also harder.

"We've wasted time. You were right. In the moment is all we have," Chloe said like she was giving a confession she had held in for years, memorized and finally presented with a relieved sigh.

"Don't. Don't do this." Beca said after it seeped in and she powered off her music completely.

"Okay. What have you been up to?" She asked like they were at a reunion.

After a pause and the slight shock dissipated Beca replied,"been studying the way the world works."

"Mmm that's nice. And what have you learned?" Chloe asked with patience.

"I am haunted by humans." She said without any emotion.

"Don't steal lines from books," Chloe said with slight amusement.

"The first line was from a book too," Beca replied without a beat and then dismissed Chloe because it was safer to pick references than honesty. And she wasn't about to ask Chloe 'what have you been up to' because it went against the second to last conversation Chloe had with her.

"We'll be there in three minutes. The door is unlocked, guest room is at the top of the stairs on the right. If you need anything," she paused and took a deep breath like she had run half a mile in a full sprint, "my room is at the bottom left, feel free to ask for anything," she finished and Beca glanced over. Fatigue reached her eyes, had taken hold and dulled the blue.

"I don't want to be in the same room as you so I doubt I'll ask anything."

"Beca, I know I asked a lot from you, but..."

"Nothing. There isn't anything to say. It was done when you asked me to stop caring." She whispered in anger, feeling it would come out as a yell otherwise and she hated yelling. With eyes focused on the driveway she waited for the car to at least come to a halt before she got out and made a point to not slam the door. Anger was there but she didn't feel the need to overtly display it.

"If you want...if you think there's anything to say I'll be downstairs," the redhead said once she was out of the car. She watched Beca stand still, turn around and look at her then somewhat through her which was more of a feeling than an expression.

"Time allowed caring to slip, fade, and dwindle." She said like she was telling a story, like she hadn't experienced it. _You made that happen. You were the catalyst._

"That's...nicely.." she took an uneven breath, "stated."

"I'm a curator of words," she said sarcastically and walked through the front door.

By seven o'clock Chloe knocked and asked through the closed door "do you want anything to eat?" She waited a good ten seconds before knocking again when she didn't receive an answer. Five seconds later she opened the door and found the made bed with a phone charging and an empty room. When she turned around she almost ran into Beca who quickly took a step back to avoid collision or touching the redhead at all.

"I was wondering if you wanted anything to eat." The taller woman asked again. She wasn't surprised when Beca shook her head. She was a little surprised that the action made her sway slightly.

"Are you drunk?"

The brunette narrowed her eyes. "Tipsy." Beca said defensively.

"Brought it with you?" Chloe leaned against the doorframe, feeling she needed the support against this Beca, one she should have prepared for but wasn't.

"I wasn't about to steal any of yours. My own. If you must know," she said with a fierceness that sounded like I dare you to ask me another one of your infernal fucking questions. It made Chloe question if Beca was right...being in the same room together wasn't the best idea.

"I'll get you some water," the older woman said, seeing an escape and made to move around the smaller woman.

The minute break seemed to be enough to build up her courage. She knew it was insane to think Beca would be civil, but she found it hard to believe she was flat out hostile she thought as she slowly made her way down to the kitchen.

As she walked back to the stairs she looked up and saw Beca twist her neck. The cracks were heard from the fourteen steps down and made her cringe. Like she was preparing for a fight. She was surprised the brunette came down the stairs.

"Do you want anything else?" She said after Beca had smoothly taken the glass, careful again not to touch her. In a daze she watched as the shorter woman drank, her neck muscles rippling, distracting, making her feel masochistic and parched.

"I wanted a lot of things." Beca said and held the empty glass cradled in her hand, pressed against her collar bone, shirt askew and Chloe breathed deeply, feeling the words and their weight. And she waited because if memory served her right Beca talked more when she indulged in a few drinks. "I wanted to love you once. Now I don't think I could allow it." She said in what seemed like a long exhale. "I used to have rules. Don't text you when drinking or after midnight, everything seems like a good idea then. An illusion. Don't try, don't care. Sums it up."

"I still care about you."

"You said that years ago. Funny how I still don't believe it." Beca turned to go up the stairs but first placed the glass on the step.

"And what-you have to see it to believe it?" Chloe countered, forced the brunette to turn back around.

"That's how the saying goes," brown eyes narrowed with a smirk following, like it was obvious and now she was just getting the chance to be a smart-ass.

"How tipsy are you on a scale from one to ten?" Chloe asked in an odd professional tone.

"Two." Beca said with certainty and her eyes narrowed more, wondering where the redhead who was currently shorter was going with this.

"Okay." Chloe said with determination with threw Beca off from her previous, strangely medical tone she was used to doctors of nurses using.

"Okay?"

Chloe moved forward and kissed her. Like it was everything.

* * *

Part 2-the ending is next. I wanted to break this up because its tiring to write.

The line study of the world is from Crooked Heart. I am haunted by humans is from The Book Thief.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Surprised that people liked chapter 1. I expect people want happy endings. This is not that kind of story. I blame the fact that I literally dreamed it. Not daydream. No, my subconscious was horrible. And so as Miss Taylor Swift says "don't say I didn't warn ya"...(I love the song Blank Space & I can't lie about it cause darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.)

* * *

Everything was slow. So painfully fucking slow. At a pace that Chloe was becoming a little frustrated at, but Beca didn't allow her to speed anything up. If anything Beca went slower. For a second the older woman thought it was out of spite and manipulation but Beca made a point to look down at her and flat out said,"it's almost been a decade since.." and she stopped herself from saying we did this. They weren't a we. And she didn't feel the need to be so bare, candid, express her thoughts in saying 'we did this and I want to memorize it all because there's too much history.'

 _This is temporary. There's no doubt this is temporary. All we have is day to day, minute by minute._ It was hard to not look at Chloe, not try to make mental pictures of really blue eyes.

"Can you.." Chloe started but stopped when she felt the brunette tense above her. Uneasy as she breathed deeply and abruptly halted.

It was Beca's experience that when Chloe asked her anything it resulted in visceral, painful reaction and then an overt attempt at shutting off certain emotions. _First you asked me to care less, second you asked me to erase anything good and I had replied ok and hoped...there wouldn't be a third._

Of course she wasn't about to say that. They were there, in her body language, on the tip of her tongue, but she didn't hate Chloe. She loved Chloe, she knew that, but she stopped caring. It was strange because she knew they went together, intertwined. But they had untwined and disconnected and Chloe asked her to.

"What?" The smaller woman, who happened to be in more control asked with an edge. Another dare for Chloe. Be honest. _Ask me something else so I can say okay like agreeing doesn't hurt._

It was clear the red head was debating. A tense minute passed but with a shake of her head and a pull and grasp to bring Beca closer she kissed her again, trying to get accustomed to this slower pace that wasn't like before and wasn't like anyone else.

So it was slow. And still Chloe felt like Beca treated her with care and also like she was devouring her, breathing her in, holding her like she was fleeting and evaporating in front of her.

Even though she had thought at one point in the very early hour as Chloe was asleep and morning light was far away _I missed this._ She kissed her shoulder so she wouldn't say it as she rested her hand on the muscular line below her sternum. Definition that was still there years later. Feeling a heart beat without having her hand over her heart. _How is this one of my favorite places to rest my hand on her? I loved her neck, her hands, but this is it. Because its a spot close to the heart? Because I can feel the beat? Because Chloe is like a song I've fucking memorized?_ She groaned lightly, moved her hand and turned away. _I don't want to add something to the list of things I'll miss._ A last thought before she fell into sleep.

When she woke it was disorienting and unnerving. It was early. She could feel it. The stillness and quiet of certain hours. She moved her hand to the side of the bed and felt coldness...or the absence of body heat. Slowly she turned her head, looked around the simple room and wasn't surprised Chloe wasn't present. For a minute she took in the sunlight coming in from the sheer curtain, another in their long list of differences. Chloe was such a morning person and had teased her once about her blackout curtains. At the time she had told her its for the safety of others I get quality sleep which made Chloe laugh which made Beca momentarily happy. That was the past.

Stiffly she got out of bed, swinging her legs around, cracking her neck and pulled the sheet around her for warmth. She had every intent of getting out in the next couple seconds as she looked on the side table at the ice water Chloe had left her. A kind gesture. There wasn't a need to overthink it. She had barely been tipsy and she didn't need to replay the night because Chloe had made the first step but Beca took the steps after that. With a brief glance around she found her pants and shirt. In a rush she put them on, mind going quickly of her to do list for the day so she could leave and not trick herself into thinking it was more than what it was.

After the water was gone, leaving the ice cubes to clink back and rattle in the glass she half expected Chloe to walk in from the sound as she stood by the doorway. She was about to go upstairs and grab her phone but she heard humming down the hallway. Without thinking she followed because Chloe singing was always nice, but her humming was always telling-an intimate openness that wasn't present when she performed with the Bellas.

Chloe sat comfortably in a chair, one foot on the seat, arm wrapped around her leg as she read the paper. It looked typical, like it was her routine and Beca took it in.

How the guys blue dress shirt looked casual and somehow amazing on her. She didn't fall down the rabbit hole and question if it was an ex's shirt. A husband. If she got divorced. It wasn't her business. But she wasn't about to deny Chloe looked relaxed...and...bruised.

Really bruised. On her thighs that were visible and her forearm that was visible as the redhead had her elbow on the table and pen in hand.

Then the house was loud with a crash and glass shattering. Beca looked down and blinked in shock she had dropped the glass. She stood there longer than she imagined because by the time Chloe repeated Beca by the third time she was standing next to her.

"Beca. What's wrong?" The taller woman asked concerned and pulled her hand back in midair as though she wanted to touch the brunette and somehow reassure her. They both knew it was in Chloe's nature to be affectionate and loving but she held back.

"I didn't do that.." she said with an undertone of uncertainty as she stood stiffly and forced herself to look at Chloe's leg.

"No." She frowned. Beca watched Chloe's confused expression soften. "The cancer did that," she said that, point blank, easily, like she was giving the weekend weather forecast. And more importantly like she had said it so many times she was tired of it.

 _...What...wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up...wake up...wake up...this usually works..._

"Beca.." Chloe started in a strained voice.

The smaller woman barely shook her head, feeling like the movement wasn't part of her. It wasn't until she was unconsciously cracking her knuckles, feeling pain and hearing the sound did it hit her-this wasn't a nightmare. She wasn't still dreaming. Welcome to reality, where you don't have control.

"I'll be okay," Chloe shared after what was the worst pause in her thirty plus years of her life.

 _10 out of 10 for optimistic tone._ "What does okay mean?" Beca asked after she looked to the floor and thought _someone should pick up this glass..._

The step away from the taller woman as she glanced around the room for anything to pick up the glass was taken as an emotional step back from Chloe's perspective. The redhead remained silent, debating if she should be so forward with Beca. She was in mid-thought questioning if being honest was cruel when Beca was leaving today.

"Where do you keep your...ah..." Beca's tone was raising, annoyed and flustered..."your broom and dustpan?" _Stupid words, stupid aphasia._

"Over in that closet," Chloe replied with confusion as she pointed to the door but stepped in the direction to get it herself.

"No, I'll do it. I can do it." Beca said, adamant that the woman shouldn't step anywhere near the glass, which she would clearly have to move around.

"Beca, I can do it."

"Just let me do it." The shorter woman said as she turned away. "I got it. It's fine..its.."

"You can't fix this." Chloe said gently, seeing through the intent once Beca was facing her again, broom in hand, clenching it tightly her knuckles were turning pale then red.

"...diagnosis?" She asked hesitantly.

Chloe shrugged. "A year. A little more. A little less." She watched Beca swallow. The only sign she hadn't become a statue.

She paused. "How...how are you just standing here?" Beca replied in anger that was settling in that the shock was one step out the door.

"What do you mean?" Chloe replied with a curious head tilt.

"I'd be...I don't know! I'd travel. I'd go to freaking Reykjavik, Venice, not here." She rubbed her face and rationalized the sting was from the dust, residue of sleep in the corners of her eyes. Not that Chloe had an expiration date.

"I like it here." Chloe replied easily.

"Okay...how long have you known?" Beca asked but immediately wanted to take it back because it wasn't her business.

"Three years. I was in remission for a while. It came back. I traveled. Now I like to get away sometimes." Chloe said honestly.

"Three years...Aubrey knew. She had to have known." Beca said with anger because if Aubrey knew then Jesse knew and that meant she could have known about this instead of being blind-sided.

"She does, but she swore on her children's lives she wouldn't tell Jesse." Chloe countered simply.

"You...you could have told me." Beca said with a frown.

"Sure. I thought of that. But what good would it do?" The redhead asked as she watched Beca sweep the glass up meticulously; like she was clinging to the act for sanity and something to focus on.

"I don't know." She said bitterly. Annoyed that she didn't know how she would have reacted if Chloe texted or called out of the blue to tell her she was sick. In a second her energy drained because she felt powerless. She imagined she would have felt powerless if Chloe had hypothetically told her years ago as well. When she stood up, broom in one hand, dustbin in the other, she looked at Chloe who looked equally drained. Though there was more certainty in her eyes than what was likely in her own.

"You can hate me." Chloe opened the conversation.

"I don't hate you," the smaller woman stated as she turned and dumped the shards and ice cubs into the trash. All the translucent, broken bits looked the same. She heard Chloe take in a deep breath.

"Well..." she started gently." Now is your chance to say whatever you want." Beca turned back to see a slight smile that didn't reach Chloe's eyes.

"What the hell would be the point of that?" She asked after it sunk in that Chloe was giving her the go ahead to say anything. Robotically she placed the broom away and thought as she closed the door _some skeletons were better left in a closet._

"Its not pointless Beca." Chloe said in an infuriating, knowing tone.

"What do you want me to say? That I have a love, mostly aversion relationship to any Sia music? That as much as I love Adele I can't listen to Hello without thinking of you but I want to listen to it, like it'll give me some sort of fucking catharsis? That I of course I wish you weren't sick? That life is clearly so fucking short and we wasted time and your whole platform of I deserve better because you chose your family and a long life with them over being with me? Irony. Fucking irony." She closed her eyes and looked up at the ceiling.

"I did say you were right. We wasted time." Chloe repeated.

"I didn't want to be right about that! And its not like we can resume, restart and..." She replied as she pressed her fingertips against her temple as though she were trying to subdue the headache and suppress any hope from coming out.

"I know we can't." She stopped when Beca looked like she had been slapped by her absolute tone. "We can't," she said like it was set in stone.

"Why?" Beca challenged.

"And set you up to be miserable and witness it all? I'll pass." Chloe said with a frown, amazed Beca was implying she would.

"I would have married you...I asked." She mumbled with her eyes closed like she could shut it all out, like she would prefer to be in a nightmare than having this conversation.

"Yes. I was there. I'm glad we didn't. That you didn't get pulled and stuck in this." Chloe gulped, like she couldn't get enough air because sometimes honesty was that hard.

"You're glad because what-you spared me? Because as you said repeatedly I deserved better?"

"You did and do deserve better." Chloe said, unwavering and unflinching from Beca's raised tone. In all their years of knowing in each other Beca never overtly yelled at her, it was nice to see that was still consistent but it didn't change the fact to the situation she accepted she had about a year. She had played the diagnosis verbatim on a loop-we can't know for certain-roughly a year. And god how she had wanted to text Beca. And how she was the most drained she had felt prior to the experience, she had yet to experience, of chemo after she had to threaten Aubrey to not disclose anything.

"We'll never agree on that." She said solidly and for good measure asked, "Hm?" Beca wanted Chloe's opinion, even if it was questioned with narrowed eyes. She watched as Chloe gave the smallest shake of her head, like it hurt to admit they would never see eye to eye on this. And she was glad she could hear her phone ringing because it gave her the chance to escape.

Quickly she went up stairs, taking two at a time.

Chloe felt heavy and weightless. Burdened with closure. It was in Beca's best interest that she push her away. Simple. Like it was simple to keep asking her things that would strip away love and hope. Like she didn't feel slightly monstrous. It wasn't her intent to hurt Beca. The opposite would be visible in time...hopefully. Chloe thought and more so hoped her self but was cut out from her thoughts as she heard Beca come down the stairs. She heard her hesitate and move around, creaking of doors and floor boards until she came back to the kitchen and said with finality, "the tow guy is here..." and waited for Chloe to stop her.

"Safe travels Beca." Her delivery was flat as she thought _I loved you, it was impossible not to love you._

"Good luck Chloe." She finally said, at a loss for words. She looked at the woman again who was strong but dying, gorgeous but resigned, giving but selfish, and many, many wonderful, contradicting things that made her into a greatness she knew she wasn't going to understand as she walked out of the house.

When Chloe made it to her bed sometime later, not having bothered to keep track of time she found a note on her bed, neatly folded and waiting. She missed Beca's handwriting and letters. How she was old fashioned in ways. And earnest. She didn't realize it until she held the note and reread it and reread it and reread it...

When the heart beats too fast and the mind can't keep count  
I want you to kiss me to bring me back down  
because the act steadies me, makes me breathe deep  
and then there are no sounds, no chaos abound  
just You, Me, forming an Us.  
That's how we were.

* * *

End Note: Beca says Chloe's name once in this fic while Chloe says it often and its because words, names hold power, more so when you give them a voice in my opinion. I have no doubt people will hate (strong word) this and I know people read fanfics for happy endings and escapism but its not my nature I guess. Thank you for reading.


End file.
